Interview: The Stepmom Side with Alicia Krasko

Episode 60: Let’s Talk Addiction with Melanie Stern

What makes something an addiction?

When a substance takes control over the person instead of the person being able to control it. It takes over the mind and it takes over beyond issues of self-control, personal, and moral failings and overrides individual personalities and strengths. It controls behavior, thoughts, and preoccupation with the substance. 

That’s why it can become a disease. It is beyond struggling.

The difference between when something becomes an addiction as oppose to a bad habit, is when it has a compulsive aspect.

There is brain research that supports this, when you look at the brain scan of an addicted person versus a non-addicted person, you can see the difference in the decreased activity in the pre-frontal cortex. The region of the brain that regulates our thoughts, actions, and emotions. 

Substance addictions are what we think of, such as alcohol and drugs. But there are other things we can become addicted to, such as food, gambling, shopping, porn, sex, and love. There are physiological addictions, when you get off you feel physiological symptoms. And there are psychological addictions, without physical withdrawal, but you have emotional withdrawal. 

There can be so many factors; genetic, psychological make-up and experience, familial, cultural, social context. Problems with substances come about in many different ways and are affected by many variables, and not the same variables in each person.

Every individual is unique. Addictions are behaviors. 

Gabor Mate, the famous addiction expert, a Canadian MD, talks a lot about how addiction is rather than being a disease or a human choice that anyone makes, it’s really an attempt to escape suffering (temporarily). It is not a moral failing. His motto is :

“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

How do I know if I am an addict or if I’m just struggling?

If you are struggling, that’s important and important to address as a problem. Preventative measures are key, if you can catch it early enough, it might not become a full-blown addiction. 

I think my parents, who did not recognize my struggles as a teenager, that went on to become an addiction, had their own struggles and couldn’t recognize it. They struggled not to the point of addiction, but were in denial of the seriousness of their own and my problems. To this day, I don’t know what would have been different, if my parents had outwardly recognized I had a drinking problem. So that was not helpful. However, when it came out, they really did help me, they helped me with my treatment. 

How do I break the habit of enabling someone with addiction?

It is very important to be straight forward. “I think you have an addiction or problem with X, Y, or Z.” Directly calling it out. When we don’t, in a way we are enabling it. We are going along with an addict’s denial. It’s the way addicts function, they are in the face of something that is controlling them, but they cannot face whatever that is. 

Addiction, is beyond struggling.

I want to understand it more. My stepson’s mom is an alcoholic and I feel like she uses it as an excuse. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but her actions don’t match her words. (Can/should we tell my step-kids about their mom?)

It’s hard to give definitive answers without knowing the whole context. But in general, to not be another enabler, would be not to DENY this woman has a problem. So, to your step-son to be able to say in a non-judgmental way, with concern, I think you mom has an alcohol problem or an addiction. Calling out reality as you see it. 

So many times, people are trying to be caring; it’s like quiet enabling. Many things can be behind that; they want to be caring. However, it’s unfortunately, part of addictions problem. We see it with drinking, food, shopping, internet, gambling, porn, sex, and love. Shopping: It’s been on the increase with the pandemic and the rise of the internet. 

What if someone doesn’t admit they actually need help?

You can’t beat a dead horse. However, we have a responsibility when we care about each other. You will see the denial, but it is so important to stick with them in a caring way; keep coming back to it. It can help an addicted persons trust to come back to look at a problem they are having. 

What can I do to support them?

There are many ways to do this. Support groups, AA. There are so many therapy groups and programs for people grappling with addictions. There are support groups and 12 step programs which won’t cost you a thing. 

What if supporting them is too much for me? I’m exhausted. The cycle of it is starting to make me not care anymore.

They should get help themselves.

My step kids’ mom has overdosed. Now what? I have mixed emotions. I’m sad for my step kid, but I’m relieved they aren’t in this cycle anymore.

Yes, it’s sad that it came to that, but now it’s healing. Now he can move forward, but one of the things he’s going to need to understand is his own risk for addiction. Research has shown that risk is significantly higher if a parent has it or it runs in the family.

** A person’s genetic makeup accounts for roughly half of their risk according to many studies. 

How do I handle step-son's technology addiction in a 50/50 custody schedule? His mom doesn't help.

All you can do is recognize what’s in your potential control. 

It’s like the serenity prayer in 12-step models says: accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Is shopping addiction a problem?

Yes, it’s a massive problem, which can sometimes lead to spending addictions.